Monday, April 25, 2011

Is honesty the best policy?

I find myself drifting back to my old ways.  I find myself fighting the urge to starve myself or restrict what I eat.  I find myself fighting the desire to cut again.  It's funny because this is the happiest I've ever been.  My life is beyond amazing, and I truly couldn't be happier.  So, I'm honestly confused as to why I feel this way.  Maybe this time it's not that I'm unhappy with my life but rather that I'm unhappy with myself. 

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not good enough.  I've been doubting the faith that everyone has in me.  I've been feeling like maybe my best isn't good enough.  Maybe I'm not cut out to do this.  And by "this" I mean Senate Secretary, find an internship, and figure out what I want to do with my life.  Lately, I've been filled with self-doubt despite all of the amazing things going on around me.

I've also been having flashbacks to being raped which has never happened before.  It's probably my trigger for all of these feelings.  I've always resisted help with these issues because I never thought that anyone could possibly understand.  I still feel that way, but I'm starting to think that I need help dealing with this.  I don't want to end up where I was.  So maybe this time I won't be so stubborn.  Maybe this time I'll ask for help.

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