Thursday, February 18, 2010

Untitled Poem

I've been working on a poem for the past 2 months, and it's still not where I want it to be, but it's getting there. Many of you know that my grandmother has been in and out of the hospital since August. Over winter break, she was hospitalized again and that's when reality hit us all: she may not make it through the year. This realization was confirmed a few months ago when she was given about 3 more months. This poem is about the past few months and the emotions we've all been feeling, as well as about the future that's coming all too soon. I know it's not perfect, but it's a work in progress. It currently does not have a title, but that will come in time too.

Hospital beds and monitors
IVs and deadly chemicals
Broken families and empty holidays
Forcing smiles and hiding fears
that tomorrow won't be any better
Shattered futures and faded pasts
Unspoken words and loud expressions
Heart-breaking realities and days
we wish could be years
Grandchildren and nieces and nephews
Children and brothers and sisters
Spouses and deceased parents
who are looking down

Heavy hearts fill the room
and light expressions fade away
Future determining decisions
and an uncertain fate leaves us all on-edge
Painful questions and heavy responses
Scrambling thoughts and semi-composed answers
Determined futures and gloomy faces
Waiting games and non-existent luck
Wet eyes and trash cans full of tissues
No regrets and no way to change
what will happen in the days to come

Judgmental opinions and angered faces
yet we know we cannot change a thing

Caskets and divided families dressed in black
Eulogies and remembrance of the past
Strength and courage to get through the days
Hope and laughter to make it all okay

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Past & Present

I'm usually not one to dwell on the past, but two days ago (on Monday) my past collided with my present. I was at Target to pick up a few things, and I ran into friends & teachers from high school as well as classmates & professors from college. I'm happy to say that my present is so much sweeter than my past.

When I look back at high school, I feel like I missed out on a lot. My depression kind of consumed me, and I never really got a real high school experience. I didn't "find happiness" until my Senior year, and I think by then it was almost too late. I had some really great memories from my Senior year, but in general I just feel like I missed out. It never really bothered me until now.

College is incredible. It has been, by far, the most incredible year & half of my life. Granted, this year has been really rough. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. But, this year has still been amazing. I have awesome friends and truly amazing sisters, and I've been able to get so involved at FGCU. I've had great professors who have taught me so much, and I'm grateful to have had such intelligent and wonderful professors. There's never a dull moment in my life. Something is always going on, and even though I complain about being busy, I love my life. Sure, there are no football games, but who needs them when you have a life like this.

High school was great, but college is life changing. I guess the past doesn't really matter because I'm making up for it all now. This is the life I love, and I wouldn't want things any other way.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Workouts are fun!

These days, I wake up in the morning feeling energized. I look in the mirror and think, "today is another day to make changes. I don't look perfect, but I look good." I have never felt this way before.

I don't look how I'd like to look, but I'm getting there. When I look on the scale every week and see the numbers getting lower and lower, I feel so accomplished. I feel like I'm on the right path. I know that one day I'll look in the mirror and think, "I never thought I'd look this good. But I did it."

I said a month ago that I'd never go to the gym. Well, I've been going every single day for the past week. Some days I'll only go for 30 minutes, other days I'll go for an hour (like today). I have a ridiculously crazy schedule, between Student Government, Chi Omega (my sorority), the 5 or 6 other organizations I'm involved with, and the 5 classes that I'm taking. Life can be so overwhelming at times, but I'm starting to find ways to make time for myself.

Since my TV broke, finding time to go to the gym has been so much easier. My life doesn't revolve around the shows I love to watch (even though there's only 2 of them). When I do watch my shows they're usually online, and I watch them after I've gone to the gym and after I've done my homework. For the first time in my life, I come first.

That may not seem like a big deal, but for me it really is. My life has always been about everyone else. I try to please everyone and do things for other people. Very rarely would I do something for myself. Now, I focus on myself and what makes me happy. Other people are still important, but I make choices that will benefit myself more often. I never thought I would be happy with that, but I'm happier than I've ever been.

I actually want to go to the gym. I love going to the gym. The feeling I get when my legs are burning and sweat is dripping from my hairline is one that cannot be replaced by anything else in life. When I leave the gym, I feel accomplished and good about myself. I feel like I'm making a mark. For the first time, I'm actively working towards achieving my weight loss goals. It's happening slowly, but I can feel it happening. I have never felt this good.