The Voice

The Voice has quickly become one of my new favorite shows.  I have a lot of favorites on the show, but Javier Colon's voice melts my heart every time.  Team Javier!! <3

Summer To-Do List

This is my last summer as an undergrad (wahhhh!), and there are TONS of things I need to get done this summer.  So I decided to make a list of everything I want to accomplish.  And because I love all things social media, I had to post it in a blog.

Summer To-Do List

- Re-paint my bathroom

- Hang up pictures in my room

- Clean out my entire room & bathroom

- Take a nice summer trip

- Accomplish your Oasis of the Seas bucket list

- Cross one thing off your bucket list each month

- Study for the GRE 3+ times a week

- Take the GRE and ROCK IT!!

- Pick out the five (5) grad schools you'll apply to

- Start applying to grad school

- Make a "Dinosaur Family fact book"

- Make time for friends at least once a week

- Go to a concert

- Stay on top of homework for my summer class

- Finish my summer class with a B or higher

** I'll be adding more as I think of more things I want to accomplish! **

May 7, 2007

I don't think I ever consciously made the decision to stop cutting.  I think it just happened.

One day I cut myself.  The next day I didn't.  And the day after that I didn't.  After a month of not cutting, I decided that day was it.  There wouldn't just be "one more time."  The last time I cut would just be my last. And from that day forward I did everything in my power to not cut.  Four years later, I'm still cut-free.

I don't know why it worked that time and not the others.  All the other times I had a plan.  But maybe I didn't need a plan.  Maybe I just needed the drive.

I guess I just got tired of being miserable despite how terrified I was of being happy and enjoying my life.  For three years, I was okay with being miserable.  I was content in that lifestyle.  But eventually that feeling changed.  I wasn't just sick of hurting everyone around me.  Finally, I was sick of hurting myself.

I look back at my journal from four years ago and can't believe how depressed I really was.  The cutting, depression, anxiety, and eating disorder were ruining my life.  And it showed in everything I did.  I look back at that journal sometimes to remind myself of where I've been.  To remind myself that I never want to go back.  To remind myself that there are brighter days ahead.

May 7, 2007.  The day that changed my life forever.  Here's to four years of not cutting and being happier than ever.

Every journey starts with a step...or in my case, a leap.  I'm glad I made that leap and picked myself up along the way.

It wasn't easy.  But it was damn worth it.

Osama Bin Laden dead

People are outside the White House waving the American flag and singing the National Anthem. This is seriously one of the most amazing moments of my life. I wish I was in DC to experience this. But experiencing this from home is pretty amazing too. Watching social media sites blow up is insane.

This is a historic moment. Osama Bin Laden, the mastermind behind 9/11, was found dead It's truly great to be an American.

Project 365 Update

Only 1 more day until the end of my Project 365.  It's been a crazy experience, and I'll definitely be doing a reflection post on my Project 365 blog.  I thought I'd take the time now to reveal what's in store for the next 365 days.

Since I had such a blast with this Project 365, I've decided to continue on with the project.  I will continue on with the numbers (Day 366, 367, etc.)  For these next 365 days, I've decided to add something to the mix.  There are three things I want in every post.

1. A picture of my day (like I've been doing).
2. Something I learned that day.  (It can be something from class or a general life lesson).
3. A picture that shows off my photography.  (I'll admit I'm not the very best photographer.  But the only way to get better is to practice.  So I'm going to use my Nikon to take pictures every day...whether it be of a person, nature, a frame I create, etc.)

I want to use this next year to become a better photographer and use new techniques.  You learn by practicing, so that's what I'm going to do.  I hope that at the end of next year I can see an improvement in my photography.  I'm sure this is going to be hard at first, and I have no doubt that some days will probably be missing pictures due to logistics/travel.  But I'm going to try and make it work the best that I can.

I'm excited for what the future holds.

Is honesty the best policy?

I find myself drifting back to my old ways.  I find myself fighting the urge to starve myself or restrict what I eat.  I find myself fighting the desire to cut again.  It's funny because this is the happiest I've ever been.  My life is beyond amazing, and I truly couldn't be happier.  So, I'm honestly confused as to why I feel this way.  Maybe this time it's not that I'm unhappy with my life but rather that I'm unhappy with myself. 

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not good enough.  I've been doubting the faith that everyone has in me.  I've been feeling like maybe my best isn't good enough.  Maybe I'm not cut out to do this.  And by "this" I mean Senate Secretary, find an internship, and figure out what I want to do with my life.  Lately, I've been filled with self-doubt despite all of the amazing things going on around me.

I've also been having flashbacks to being raped which has never happened before.  It's probably my trigger for all of these feelings.  I've always resisted help with these issues because I never thought that anyone could possibly understand.  I still feel that way, but I'm starting to think that I need help dealing with this.  I don't want to end up where I was.  So maybe this time I won't be so stubborn.  Maybe this time I'll ask for help.

I'm flawed.

I’m a terrible liar, and therefore I’m always honest.  It always seems to get me in trouble.  I always put others before myself, and I have a hard time doing things for myself.  But on the rare occasion that I do, I’m seen as selfish.  I do things for people without motive or the expectation of being thanked.  I have a terrible time at telling people how I feel…which is why pretty much all of my relationships have failed.  I don’t let many people into my life because I’m afraid they’ll be like “all the others.”   I’m ready for a real relationship but I’m afraid I’ll never find “the one.”  Actually, I’m afraid that I had that person but messed things up.  I have a painful past, and I'm who I am today because of what I went through.  I’m emotional and wear my heart on my sleeve.  People never have to ask how I’m feeling because they just know.  I overanalyze situations and replay conversations in my head hoping that somehow they’ll go differently.  I’m humble.  I don’t realize how successful I actually am.  I’m not as confident as I should be. 

I’m flawed, but at least I’m real.