Sunday, December 26, 2010

Losing weight does NOT guarantee happiness

Confession: I lost 15 pounds and I don't feel any better about myself.

In fact, I was happier and more secure with my body at 150 pounds than I am right now at 135 pounds.  I can't tell you the exact reason why because I don't even know.  But sometimes I think it's because when I was heavier, I felt as if nothing could be done.  I was so far away from my "goal weight," and all I could do was be happy with how I look.  And now I'm so self-conscious about how my body looks.  I keep thinking, "how much excess skin do I have?" and "does this shirt make me look fat when I sit down?"

It's absolutely terrible...and I know it.  But no matter what I do, I can't seem to shake the feeling.

This summer, when I made the decision to start losing weight I thought that if I just lost a little bit of weight, even if it was only 5 pounds, I'd be instantly happier.  But 15 pounds later I'm realizing that just isn't true.

I have subscriptions to SELF magazine and Women's Health, and this month I paid extra attention to the covers.  Women's Health's cover said (and I quote), "Look Good Naked! Toned sexy abs. High, tight tush. Long, lean legs."  No wonder girls feel the pressure to be thin.  I've been reading this magazines for MONTHS, and I always feel discouraged while reading them because I want to lose weight but I feel like I'll never meet those standards of beautiful.

For the past six or seven months, I've been losing weight so I can be "skinny" and "pretty."  But really, I should be doing it to get healthy.  It's okay to want to lose weight...but I think it's important to do it for the right reasons.  To be honest, I've been doing it for all the wrong ones.  Regardless of if I weigh 150 pounds or 135 pounds or 120 pounds, I need to learn to LOVE MY BODY exactly the way it is.

Losing weight won't make me happy, but loving myself will.  I just need to figure out how to get to that place of acceptance.

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