Confession: I lost 15 pounds and I don't feel any better about myself.
In fact, I was happier and more secure with my body at 150 pounds than I am right now at 135 pounds. I can't tell you the exact reason why because I don't even know. But sometimes I think it's because when I was heavier, I felt as if nothing could be done. I was so far away from my "goal weight," and all I could do was be happy with how I look. And now I'm so self-conscious about how my body looks. I keep thinking, "how much excess skin do I have?" and "does this shirt make me look fat when I sit down?"
It's absolutely terrible...and I know it. But no matter what I do, I can't seem to shake the feeling.
This summer, when I made the decision to start losing weight I thought that if I just lost a little bit of weight, even if it was only 5 pounds, I'd be instantly happier. But 15 pounds later I'm realizing that just isn't true.
I have subscriptions to SELF magazine and Women's Health, and this month I paid extra attention to the covers. Women's Health's cover said (and I quote), "Look Good Naked! Toned sexy abs. High, tight tush. Long, lean legs." No wonder girls feel the pressure to be thin. I've been reading this magazines for MONTHS, and I always feel discouraged while reading them because I want to lose weight but I feel like I'll never meet those standards of beautiful.
For the past six or seven months, I've been losing weight so I can be "skinny" and "pretty." But really, I should be doing it to get healthy. It's okay to want to lose weight...but I think it's important to do it for the right reasons. To be honest, I've been doing it for all the wrong ones. Regardless of if I weigh 150 pounds or 135 pounds or 120 pounds, I need to learn to LOVE MY BODY exactly the way it is.
Losing weight won't make me happy, but loving myself will. I just need to figure out how to get to that place of acceptance.