Monday, April 26, 2010

I miss you, miss you so bad

This school year I've lost three family members to cancer, and its taken a huge toll on me.  Cancer is such a horrible disease, and I wish that families never had to deal with it.  It's times like these where I remind myself why I do what I do with the American Cancer Society and Relay for Life.  It got so stressful at times, but in the end it was worth it.  And to know that my family was proud of me made it even better.  Even though my grandma never got to go because she was so sick, I know how proud she was of me.  She really wished she could have been there, and she was so happy when we gave her all of her Survivor gear. I knew she didn't have much time left, but seeing the word "survivor" on all of that stuff gave her hope and made her so happy.  All we ever wanted was for her to be happy, and I'm glad I could give her a reason to be happy even towards the end.

I thought about my grandma a lot today.  I've really been missing her lately.  I think its all starting to hit me.  I'm beginning to realize that I can't just go to Punta Gorda to visit her.  The quiet house and empty room make it all even more real.  I miss the laughs and the memories we created.  I miss all of the pictures she made my sister and me take.  I miss the vacations her and my grandfather would take us on.  I miss everything about her.  Sometimes I think I took the time I had with her for granted.  In August, when she was first hospitalized, I had some hope that she still had more time.  But in December, when she was hospitalized again, I knew that she wouldn't make it to the end of 2010.  And that was a really hard reality for me to swallow.  It kills me to know that I took these last few months for granted, and there's so many things I wish I would have done with her while I still had the chance.  I don't like to regret things, but there are so many things I regret.  I'm grateful to have had so many amazing memories with her, and I will cherish those memories for the rest of my life.  I know she'd want me to smile rather than cry right now, but I can't help all of the tears.  I miss her and love her so much, and I just wish I could go to her house one more time and listen to her ramble on and on about absolutely nothing. 

My mom has been so strong though all of this, but I know that she is hurting.  Seeing all of her facebook statuses about how she misses her mom make me so sad.  It hurts me to know that she's hurting like this. I know my grandma wasn't around much when my mom was younger, but I know she loved my mom (and I didn't have to read my grandma's letter to my mom to know that).  I think about what my mom is going through now and I know that one day, I'll be going through the same thing.  And that really, really scares me.  I've never been a family person but all of this has made me really value my family and make me appreciate them more.  

Cancer may have taken you away from me, but it cannot steal the love I have for you 

In Loving Memory
Aunt Mary [[10.30.2009]]
Aunt Mazal [[02.28.2010]]
Grandma Kiki [[04.15.2010]]

"I didn't get around to kiss you goodbye on the hand.  I wish that I could see you again.  I know that I can't.  I hope you can hear me 'cause I remember it clearly.  The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same.  I had my wake up, won't you wake up.  I keep asking why.  And I can't take it.  It wasn't fake.  It happened you passed by.  Now you're gone..." -- Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne

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