Friday, March 26, 2010

If you're not moving then you're just standing still

The title of this blog is so appropriate for what I've been going through over the past few days.  Tuesday, March 23rd, was the 3-year anniversary of my overdose.  It was quite a rough day for me, and all day it was all I could think about.  I easily remembered what I was doing at different moments in the day, and it played like a movie so vividly in my head.  But at the same time, it didn't seem real because all I could think was, "did I really do that?   Was that really me?"

Looking at me now you would never know.  You'd never know all of the emotional pain that I suffered or that I tried to kill myself.  It's hard to think that at one point in my life, I really thought that life wasn't worth the fight.

I compare where I was three years ago to where I am now, and I realize how much things have changed.  At that point in time, I was starving myself, cutting myself, and abusing Xanax.  My relationship with my friends was non-existent, and the only person I could really trust and talk to was my math teacher.  Right now, I'm happier than I've ever been.  I have an absolutely incredible group of friends who never fail to make me laugh.  I'm a newly initiated member of a sorority, and I love my sisters with all of my heart.  I'm a leader on campus, and I try to be involved with every organization that I can possibly be involved with.  I'm nearly 3-years cut-free (May 7th!), I eat way too much (gotta go to the gym), and the sight of drugs makes me sick.  I am the polar opposite of who I was three years ago.  And to be honest, it feels so damn good.

When I see people who are at rock bottom and feel like they can't get out, all I want to do is share my story.  I know what it's like to be there and think, "I'll never be like that.  I'll never make it out alive."  But here I am...fully alive.  A lot of what got me through all of that were the stories of those who had turned their life around.  I know the importance of speaking out about your experiences because I know that our stories matter.  I know that we are important, and that we can make a difference in the lives of others.  I know this because I was there....and now I'm here.

People tell me I need to forget, but remembering is what keeps me going.  The past reminds me how lucky I am to be where I am today.  It reminds me that through pain there's hope and better tomorrow's. 

In the words of Flyleaf, "Fully alive.  More than most.  Ready to smile and love life.  Fully alive.  And she knows how to believe in futures."

03.23.07 - 03.23.10 <3

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