Tuesday, January 26, 2010

There's a story behind the bruise

These past five days have been extremely tough.  It's hard to put into words how I'm feeling right now.  Usually, I have no problems expressing myself through my writing.  But right now, it's almost impossible to express the misery I am feeling.  Everything hurts.  Nothing matters.  Getting out of bed absolutely sucks.

The memory of Thursday night is constantly playing in my head.  And if for some reason I'm able to not think about it, I see the bruise on my arm and I'm reminded again.  I always feel like I'm just going to break down and cry.  I don't want to be around anyone.  And nothing anyone says or does makes it better.  The pain is just too much to handle...especially with everything going on in my life.

I still don't know what I'm going to do the next time I see him.  And of course there WILL be a next time.  My heart is telling me to just ignore him.  But with him, it's not so simple.  He'll see me and act like nothing is wrong, like he didn't just tear my world apart.  He'll try to have a conversation, and then get angry when I don't respond.  So it's like, "what can I really do?"  If I ignore him, he'll ask why and it will just start another argument.  If I try to be casual, I'm only hurting myself even more.  It's a lose-lose situation.

I'm forced to question everything that I'm involved in, especially Student Government.  I should never have been put in this situation.  I shouldn't have to consider giving up something I've worked so hard for just because someone hurt me.  But that's the reality of the situation.  I may have to give up the one thing that I love the most.  I spent 8 months trying to get into Senate, and I'm finally here.  I've never worked so hard for something in my life.  I turned what everyone called an "impossible goal" into a beautiful reality.  I don't want to leave Senate; I love it.  But I need to do what's best for me.  I'm hurting right now, and I can't handle much more pain.

I never thought I'd be in a situation like this.  And to be quite honest, I didn't think things could get much worse after what happened between him and I in September.  Clearly, I was wrong.

About an hour ago, I stumbled upon a quote.  It kind of describes what I hope to make all of this.  I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to forgive him, but I can only hope that one day Thursday night's memory won't haunt me anymore.  I can only hope that it will change from a haunting memory to a hope for a better future.

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past.  A healed memory is not a deleted memory.  Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember.  We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."

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