It's What I Love About You

I love the way you've always been persistent because for the first time in my life, I feel like someone is fighting for me.

I love the way you text me in the morning because it makes me feel like I'm the first person you think about when you wake up (even if I'm not).

I love the way you pull my hair back and kiss my neck because it makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

I love the way you look into my eyes and tell me that you love me because in that moment there's no denying that the words you speak are true.

I love the way you tell me that you love me after an argument because it makes me realize that even though you're mad, I'm still important to you.

I love the way you wrap your arms around me when I'm crying because it makes me feel like I'm not alone in the things I'm going through.

I love the way you call me in the middle of the day because it reminds me that you're thinking about me just like I'm thinking about you.

I love the way you're honest with me even when I don't want to hear it because at the end of the day, the truth is better than any lie.

I love the way you tell me I'm beautiful because even though I know it, it's nice to hear it sometimes.

I love the way you hold my hand in the morning because it makes me feel like you love me even in your dreams.

I love the way you pull me close to cuddle because it makes me feel like it's only me and you in this crazy world.  And in that moment, I feel like no one can hurt us or bring us down.

I love the way you tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me because for the first time in my life, I actually believe that someone loves me.

Bucket List: March 2012

133. Give a Senior Speech

I've been to a lot of events and banquets over the past four years of college, and a lot of them have a student give a senior speech.  I always thought, "if that was me up there, what would I say?"  After four years and tireless work, I was asked to do the senior keynote speech for the outgoing Senate banquet.

It was one of the hardest speeches I've ever written because I was trying to fit four years of memories into a five minute speech.  But the second I stopped worrying about what to say, it all started coming together. During the banquet I didn't just give my speech, I spoke from the heart.  I wanted to leave these outgoing Senators with something of value.  Something they could take with them.  Something that would inspire them.

And from what I've been told, I did just that.

It's not a traditional bucket list item, but giving a senior speech was something I really hoped I'd have the opportunity to do.  I watched so many other people do it before me, and it was such an honor to be able to give a senior speech of my own.  It truly was one of the highlights of my senior year.

Goodbye Senate, Hello Future

I never wanted to be in Student Government.  I wasn't involved in SG in high school, and I had no interest in doing it in college.  But when I discovered the Emerging Eagles leadership development program, I figured, why not?  It would be a way to get involved on campus and a way to learn everything FGCU had to offer.

Through Emerging Eagles, I was given a mentor who showed me the ins and outs of SG.  She even helped me get involved in my first election.  Though I didn't win that year, I took a lot out of the experience.  I learned about the hard work and dedication it takes to get into these positions as well as the passion you need to have to stay.  I learned that having a mentor is the most valuable thing you can have because you'll learn so much from them.  I learned that losing an election isn't the end, but instead the beginning.

I interviewed five times before I got a Senate seat.  Do you know what it's like to interview five times and try to convince seven people that you deserve that seat more than anyone else interviewing?  It's not easy, and it's not fun.  But I knew I wanted to be in Senate, so I kept trying.  There was no way that being told "no" was going to stop me.  I went to every single Senate meeting and sat in the back of the room...learning, forming opinions, and even helping to write a few bills.  All to prove that I deserved to be in Senate.

Then finally my time came.  November 17, 2009.  I'll never forget the positive words people had to say about me when I went up for appointment or the way people clapped when I was approved.  That moment made it all worth it.  Having that experience made me realize that you can't take these positions for granted.  It's an honor to serve in Student Government.  The long journey to becoming a Senator is what kept me grounded over the past four years.  It's an experience I wouldn't trade for the world.

I never imagined I'd get elected the two years after that or that I'd ever have the honor of serving as Senate Secretary.  The people I've met, the friends that I've made, and the lessons I've learned have made this experience what it is.  This experience was more than I could have ever asked for, and I wouldn't be the person I am today without Student Government.

I've learned a lot over the past few years, and I could probably write a book about all I've learned.  But I'll keep it short.

For one, the things you learn within SG are things you can take with you everywhere you go - interviews, internships, jobs, friendships, and relationships.  These positions will make you a better person...if you let them.  Allow yourself to take everything in, to make mistakes, to make new friends, and to push the boundaries of what is expected of you.  Take your positions, whether in SG or elsewhere, to new levels.  Do things that are outside of your job description.  Work your butt off.  And never give up...no matter how many times people tell you that you can't do something.

Learn to give people a chance.  It's easy to be bitter towards someone who voted "no" on your bill or who beat you in an election, but don't let that hold you back.  Get to know them.  Be their friend.  And remember that nothing that happens in SG is personal.  It's business, and it's politics.  But it's definitely not personal.

Most importantly, be fearless.  Go out for positions even when you've been let down before, trust people, make new friends, and do things without worrying about the outcome.  Do something every day that scares you.  Fight for the things that you want.  Believe in yourself and believe in your dreams, no matter how crazy they may be.  Have a positive attitude, and live your life with no regrets.

Make a difference at FGCU and in the community.  Be the person you never thought you could be.  Go out there and be fearless.  And remember, what you get out of something is all about what you put into it.

I never thought the day of my last Senate meeting would come.  I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do for the next five weeks.  But I had the time of my life over the past four years, and I'm grateful for the opportunities I've had and the friends that I made.  I met some of my best friends from being involved in SG, and that alone has made all of the stress worth it.  This experience wouldn't be the same without the people.  It was such an honor serving as Senate Secretary, and it was the best experience I had at FGCU.

GO EAGLES!!!

Broken and Bruised

I've been struggling with eating issues since I was 13.  I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder since there are so many medical factors that go into the diagnosis.  But that's not to say I haven't struggled.

Sometimes I would starve myself, other times I'd binge and make myself throw up, other times I'd work out for so hard and so long that I'd pass out.  All because I hated my body.

I was always told that while I needed psychological help, that eventually I'd outgrow it.  Just like I'd outgrow the cutting phase of my life.  I never outgrew cutting; I made the decision to stop and struggled with that decision for years.  And I surely never grew out of my body image and eating issues.  I think I just had a terrible therapist.

For the most part I'm fine.  I'm confident and love the way I look.  Sure, I'm not the skinniest girl, but I think life is too short to hate the way you look.  Honestly, I'm fine...until I'm not.

There are three things that trigger these feelings: (1) big vacations, (2) clothes shopping, and (3) dress shopping.

Chi Omega formal is on Saturday, and I've spent the past few weeks searching for a dress to wear.  I've spent hours and hours trying on dresses just to find that they don't fit.  Every single time a dress doesn't fit, I start beating myself up.  I've gotten to the point where I just hate my body and the way I look.

I'm at a low point right now, and I'm just so tired of feeling this way.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm so fat and so disgusting.  I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a distorted image of what I look like.  I'm tired of waking up in the morning and not wanting to live.

I can't help but wonder when it's going to get better.  But most importantly, I wonder if it will get better.  I feel like this will be the time that it doesn't.  This might be the time that breaks me.

The only thing I have now that I haven't had before is a guy who loves me.  I'm grateful to have a guy in my life who wants to be there for me, and wants to help me through this.  No one has ever cared about me the way he does.  To be honest, he might be the one to save me.

I keep telling myself that it will get better.  It always does.  Attitude is everything.

Bucket List: February 2012

69. Be a vegetarian for a week (checked off February 6-13, 2012)

I don't eat a lot of meat to begin with, so I figured this would be pretty easy.  It was torture.  I was sick all week, either because I wasn't eating enough or because the food I was eating wasn't agreeing with me.  And at the end of the week when I went to eat meat again, that made me sick too.  It was a good experience, but not something I'll be doing again in the near future.  I guess I'll wait to cross of #70: be a vegan for a week.

68. Fall in love (checked off February 2012)

I've only been with Alex for a few weeks, but I know in my heart that I am in love with him.  My friends keep telling me that I'm moving too fast, that it's not really love, and that it's just lust.  But I don't care what they say because I know how I feel.  When I'm with someone, I give them everything I have.  I've never felt this way about a guy before, and I know in my heart that I love him.  I never thought I'd cross this one off my bucket list...so this is a pretty big step for me.

I also crossed off #131...but it's not exactly blog-appropriate.  So I'll just leave y'all guessing :)

Falling in Love

I've never been the type of person who does well in relationships.  I'm independent.  I always say and do the wrong things.  I'm goal-oriented.  I love being alone.  And to be honest, I get completely insecure around guys.

But I believe that when you're with someone that you need to give them everything you have.  It's okay to be scared, but at some point you need to let your guard down and trust them.  I believe that you have to love them with your whole heart.  I believe that you need to make the time for them, regardless of how busy you are.  I believe that if you find the right person, you need to be willing to open your heart and fall in love.

It's easy to judge people who are in relationships.  It's easy to say, "you're moving too fast" or "you're going to get hurt."  But at some point you have to let go of your own biases and be supportive.  Stop judging people for the way they choose to handle their relationship.  You might be surprised by the love they have for each other.

I don't know much about what's "normal" in a relationship, but I do know how I feel.  I know that I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, and I go to bed feeling the same way.  I know that when I'm with him, my insecurities melt away and I can laugh at myself.  I know that he can make me smile and laugh the way no one else can.  I know that I'm a better person because of him, and I'm a better person when I'm with him.

I know that I'm in love with him.  And I know that I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life.


If for whatever reason this doesn't work out, at least I can look back and say I loved him with everything I had.  That's what matters to me.

Love What You Do