It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this way. For anyone that’s read my blog, you know that I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety as well as struggled with self-injury (cutting) and suicidal thoughts. Although all of that’s “behind me” (it’s never really behind you), lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m back in that place of pain, sadness and helplessness.
Don’t get me wrong – I am NOT saying I’m depressed or that I want to hurt myself. But I’ve been thinking about it all a lot lately, and if I think about it long enough, I feel like I’m back in middle school and high school. I feel like I’m back in the place where I was being bullied and tormented because I was different. The place where I took an x-acto knife to my wrist and made small, shallow cuts from my wrist to my elbow. The place where I just wanted to end my life because I didn’t see the point of living.
And then, the feelings fade.
I’m not really sure how to explain it. And I don’t know why it’s happening. Recently, I came to the realization that I’m not happy with my job. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t like what I do or that I don’t like where I work. But when I go to work, I’m miserable. When I come home, I’m happy. It’s almost like I live two different lives.
All of this has made me think about other times in my life when I’ve been unhappy, and the first thing that comes to mind are all of those things I listed above. I think to myself, “how did I get over it back then? At what point did I say ‘something needs to change,’ and at what point did I change it?” THAT is when I go back to that place. THAT is when I remember all of the pain I’ve been through. But THAT is also when I remember that I can get through it, and I will figure this out.
I’m stuck in a rut, and right now I’m having a really hard time getting out. Given my past, I know it’s going to take time. But in the meantime, I need to find a way to cope. Because I can’t go to work and be snippy and bitchy with my boss and coworkers. It’s not fair to them. And it certainly isn’t going to help my career.
I wish I could snap my fingers, figure out what I want and make it happen. But I can’t. What I can do is figure out what’s making me unhappy and then fix it. It won’t be easy, and it may involve me making some hard decisions. But I owe it to myself to be happy. I deserve it. I know I do.