Monday, May 27, 2013

Regret (verb): To think of with a sense of loss

I never used to believe in regrets.  I always believed that something good could come out of something bad.  I truly believed you should never regret anything because it can only make you stronger.

But recently, I've had a change of heart.  Going to grad school at Alabama...that's my biggest regret.

Sure, I got to experience a beautiful campus, amazing campus life, and a campus full of history and tradition.  But at what cost?  I risked so much coming here, and although I didn't lose it all, I lost something I fought so hard for for so many years - my happiness.

When I left Florida, I was in a fairly new relationship.  We had only been dating for six months when I moved.  Things were great.  I was in love for the first time in my life, and I felt like I had found the one I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.  Now, 10 months later, we're still together, and I'm so grateful for that because I know he didn't have to stay with me.  But honestly, our relationship is tough.  In a long distance relationship, you rely solely on verbal communication.  And at times, it puts a lot of strain on the relationship.  You fight more often, you run out of things to talk about, and you begin to feel distant.  I've grown so jealous and insecure in this relationship, and I've never been that kind of person before.  It's put unnecessary strain on our relationship, and it's certainly caused a lot of fights. This past year has gotten the best of us, and I almost feel like my relationship is a daily battle.  Some days, I wonder if we're going to make it.

I've struggled with my happiness from the moment I left Fort Myers.  The first few days I was in Alabama I cried every moment I was awake.  It was torture.  Over time I cried a little less, but every now and then, I break down.  I still hurt every day because I feel like I left something something great for something terrible.  I took a gamble, and it backfired.  Each day it hurts to be here, and it's a battle to get up in the morning and work hard.

I'm 68 days away from graduating, and it seriously cannot come soon enough.  I believe in living in the present and enjoying each moment, but right now, I wouldn't mind time speeding up a little.  I'm ready to have my master's degree and move back to Florida.

I don't regret much.  In fact, I can only think of one or two things that I regret.  Every hardship I've experience, every heartache, and every low point in my life has only made me stronger.  Maybe six months from now I'll have that same outlook on this experience.  But right now, I regret coming here.

I'm ready for the worst year of my life to be over.  I'm ready to take the "long distance" out of my relationship.  But mostly, I'm ready to be happy again.  I'm ready to smile and laugh and enjoy life...and really mean it.

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