Broken and Bruised

I've been struggling with eating issues since I was 13.  I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder since there are so many medical factors that go into the diagnosis.  But that's not to say I haven't struggled.

Sometimes I would starve myself, other times I'd binge and make myself throw up, other times I'd work out for so hard and so long that I'd pass out.  All because I hated my body.

I was always told that while I needed psychological help, that eventually I'd outgrow it.  Just like I'd outgrow the cutting phase of my life.  I never outgrew cutting; I made the decision to stop and struggled with that decision for years.  And I surely never grew out of my body image and eating issues.  I think I just had a terrible therapist.

For the most part I'm fine.  I'm confident and love the way I look.  Sure, I'm not the skinniest girl, but I think life is too short to hate the way you look.  Honestly, I'm fine...until I'm not.

There are three things that trigger these feelings: (1) big vacations, (2) clothes shopping, and (3) dress shopping.

Chi Omega formal is on Saturday, and I've spent the past few weeks searching for a dress to wear.  I've spent hours and hours trying on dresses just to find that they don't fit.  Every single time a dress doesn't fit, I start beating myself up.  I've gotten to the point where I just hate my body and the way I look.

I'm at a low point right now, and I'm just so tired of feeling this way.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm so fat and so disgusting.  I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a distorted image of what I look like.  I'm tired of waking up in the morning and not wanting to live.

I can't help but wonder when it's going to get better.  But most importantly, I wonder if it will get better.  I feel like this will be the time that it doesn't.  This might be the time that breaks me.

The only thing I have now that I haven't had before is a guy who loves me.  I'm grateful to have a guy in my life who wants to be there for me, and wants to help me through this.  No one has ever cared about me the way he does.  To be honest, he might be the one to save me.

I keep telling myself that it will get better.  It always does.  Attitude is everything.