Sunday, July 17, 2011

I feel like I'm 17 again

Tonight, ABC Family premiered its new original movie, Cyberbully.

Watching the movie brought back so many feelings for me.  It's no secret that I was bullied in middle school and most of high school, and cyberbullying was definitely part of that.

But the part of the movie that hit the hardest was when she had her big emotional breakdown after seeing the video.  Right after that, she posted a video online as a cry for help.  Then she tried to kill herself.

I had a moment like that too.  One moment that pushed me so far that I couldn't take it.  And while I didn't post a video online, I did post a cry for help through a bulletin on Myspace.  And then I too tried to take my own life.

Watching Taylor, played by Emily Osment, break down like that literally brought me back to that moment of helplessness.  I felt like I was 17 again and the whirlwind of emotions hit me so hard.  I started shaking while watching it.

I'm still feeling the aftermath of this rush of emotions.  To be honest, all I want to do is cry.  It seems so silly when I write it down.  But being reminded of these strong emotions is hard.  I haven't gone back to "that place" in three years.  I seem to avoid talking about it.  And now that I'm being forced to face it...I really don't know what to do.

Maybe I'm not really "better." Maybe I still have so much to confront.  I'm starting to think I let an amazing opportunity slip by after I attempted suicide in 2007.  I think I made a big mistake.

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