I miss you, miss you so bad

This school year I've lost three family members to cancer, and its taken a huge toll on me.  Cancer is such a horrible disease, and I wish that families never had to deal with it.  It's times like these where I remind myself why I do what I do with the American Cancer Society and Relay for Life.  It got so stressful at times, but in the end it was worth it.  And to know that my family was proud of me made it even better.  Even though my grandma never got to go because she was so sick, I know how proud she was of me.  She really wished she could have been there, and she was so happy when we gave her all of her Survivor gear. I knew she didn't have much time left, but seeing the word "survivor" on all of that stuff gave her hope and made her so happy.  All we ever wanted was for her to be happy, and I'm glad I could give her a reason to be happy even towards the end.

I thought about my grandma a lot today.  I've really been missing her lately.  I think its all starting to hit me.  I'm beginning to realize that I can't just go to Punta Gorda to visit her.  The quiet house and empty room make it all even more real.  I miss the laughs and the memories we created.  I miss all of the pictures she made my sister and me take.  I miss the vacations her and my grandfather would take us on.  I miss everything about her.  Sometimes I think I took the time I had with her for granted.  In August, when she was first hospitalized, I had some hope that she still had more time.  But in December, when she was hospitalized again, I knew that she wouldn't make it to the end of 2010.  And that was a really hard reality for me to swallow.  It kills me to know that I took these last few months for granted, and there's so many things I wish I would have done with her while I still had the chance.  I don't like to regret things, but there are so many things I regret.  I'm grateful to have had so many amazing memories with her, and I will cherish those memories for the rest of my life.  I know she'd want me to smile rather than cry right now, but I can't help all of the tears.  I miss her and love her so much, and I just wish I could go to her house one more time and listen to her ramble on and on about absolutely nothing. 

My mom has been so strong though all of this, but I know that she is hurting.  Seeing all of her facebook statuses about how she misses her mom make me so sad.  It hurts me to know that she's hurting like this. I know my grandma wasn't around much when my mom was younger, but I know she loved my mom (and I didn't have to read my grandma's letter to my mom to know that).  I think about what my mom is going through now and I know that one day, I'll be going through the same thing.  And that really, really scares me.  I've never been a family person but all of this has made me really value my family and make me appreciate them more.  

Cancer may have taken you away from me, but it cannot steal the love I have for you ♥

In Loving Memory

Aunt Mary [[10.30.2009]]

Aunt Mazal [[02.28.2010]]

Grandma Kiki [[04.15.2010]]

"I didn't get around to kiss you goodbye on the hand.  I wish that I could see you again.  I know that I can't.  I hope you can hear me 'cause I remember it clearly.  The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same.  I had my wake up, won't you wake up.  I keep asking why.  And I can't take it.  It wasn't fake.  It happened you passed by.  Now you're gone..." -- Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne

Rest in Paradise Grandma

These past few days have been tough.  Waking up in the morning has been difficult, and putting a smile on my face has been impossible.  But with the help of my amazing family, sisters, and friends, I've been getting through it.  The text messages, facebook posts and messages, and the replies on twitter have meant the world to me.

Today was my grandma's funeral, and today was the day that I realized she's gone.  It's still so hard to believe, but seeing her in the casket made it so real.  My grandma looked amazing today; she looked the way she did months ago.  They did an amazing job filling out her face and making her look like she did before her sickness went downhill.  Looking at her was hard because it made me realize that she physically won't be around anymore, but I know that her spirit lives on.  Cancer may have taken her life, but it cannot take away all of the amazing memories and the love I have for her.  My grandma fought until the end, and I admire her strength through it all.

Grandma would have been so happy with the service.  It was perfect.  She would have been even happier that all of the ladies in her Red Hats group showed up in their red and purple outfits to say goodbye to their Queen Mother.  She loved being part of the Red Hats and she loved being the Queen.  I was there the day she resigned due to her declining health, and it hurt her so much to have to do that.  That group was the one thing keeping her occupied here in Florida and keeping her happy when her family wasn't around.  She must love knowing that the Red Hats and her family all came together to celebrate and remember her life.

I've been working on a letter since she passed away, and I was hoping that it would have been done by the funeral so it could have gone in her casket.  But it wasn't perfect, and I didn't want to rush it.  When its done, I'll make a trip up to Englewood to read it to her...and then I'll post it on here.  There's so much I wish I had said when I had the chance.  And I regret not being able to see her more before she passed away.  But I know she loved having us there, and I know how happy she was when Alyssa & I surprised her by visiting.  Even though I never said it much, I love my grandma so much, and it kills me to know that she's no longer (physically) here.

I know she's not suffering and hurting anymore, and that's all I could ever want.  She's resting in paradise, and I know she's smiling right now ♥


[[ If the people we love are stolen from us, the way we have to live on is to never stop loving them.  Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever. ]]

For some moments in life there are no words

Rest In Peace Grandma Kiki

[[08.14.1938 - 04.15.2010]]

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal.  Love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Memories Make the Pain Okay

In the past, the condition of my grandmother was pretty uncertain.  She's been in and out of the hospital since August and even spent a month in a nursing home/rehab facility.  One day, the doctors said they were doing much better.  A few days later, they said things were going downhill and that she didn't have much longer.  In February, she was given 3 more months.  Not too long ago, nurses said she wasn't "far enough along" to go to hospice.  Yesterday, she was given a week left to live...if that.

I've always been uncertain about how long my grandmother had to live, and to be honest I thought that she was going to die months ago.  And though I never had hope that her condition would get better, but I never thought she'd get so bad so fast that she wouldn't make it until the end of April.  When I heard from my mom that she had about a week left, I realized that there was no escaping the reality of the situation.  My grandmother is dying, and it's going to happen sooner than I thought.  If I could spent every single day at her bed side, I would.  But I can't.  And that's one of the hardest things for me to deal with.  So tomorrow on Easter I will be going to visit her, just like I've done on every single holiday since August.

During the luminaria ceremony at Relay for Life, I took time to reflect on all of the amazing memories I had with my grandmother.  There were so many of them that they all flooded my mind at once, and it was hard to get a grip on them all.  Lake George, New Hampshire and black forest cake, Niagra Falls, amusement parks, adventures around Staten Island, spoiling me like crazy, holidays, letting me sleep in the spare bedroom with her on Christmas so that I didn't see Santa or get scared, playing with Pop Pop's trains even when he said not to, and countless others that I can't even think about right now.

When her time comes, I won't think about all the times we visited her at the hospital or surprised her at her house when she was sick.  I'll remember the times that I mentioned above; the irreplaceable memories that made me incredibly happy.  I'm beginning to see how important memories and pictures can be, especially when someone is no longer with you.  It's a hard reality to swallow, but if you remember the good times and not the bad, then the heartache and tears have value.  Memories make the pain okay.

It's hard to even imagine a world without her.  She's not even dead yet and it's all I can think about.  I may not have always shown it, but I love my grandmother.  It's hard to say what's killing her, the cancer or the complications, but regardless, I will continue to fight for a cure.

I love you Grandma Kiki <3

Are you locked out?

Believe me when I say that I don't get angry often.  Sure, I get upset every once in awhile, but it's nothing that I can't just shrug off.  Right now, I'm livid.  Absolutely livid.  And I'm not sure how to deal with my anger.  All I know how to do is write.

I spent most of my Monday on campus.  I went back to my dorm for 2 hours to do homework, but when my internet didn't work, I decided to take a nap instead.  Then I went back onto campus to go to the library and attend a meeting.  I got back to my dorm around 10:20pm, and when I tried opening my door, it was jammed.  I tried for another 5 minutes, then proceeded to bang on my door for another 5-10 minutes.  I knew at least one roommate was home since her light was on (she never leaves her light on unless she's home).  I went to Alyssa's dorm (my younger sister) and hung out there for a bit, then went back to my dorm to try and open it again.  Still didn't work.  Alyssa tried it.  Didn't work.  So we went to The Commons and got an RA.  She probably thought I was lying when I said it wouldn't open.  She came to my dorm, tried it, and it didn't work.  So she called every Resident Director on the face of the Earth...and after 20 minutes finally got ahold of one of them.  He came and pretty much disassembled the lock.  And even then, it still wouldn't open.  Finally, people in the apartment across the hall gave us a broom and the Resident Director went and banged on the windows of the people who were there.  For a few minutes, NO ONE got up...not even to move the blinds and see what was going on.  Finally one of them called Mary (the other roommate who was stuck outside w/ me...only for half the time) and asked why she had called.  And FINALLY...after 2 HOURS, I got back into my dorm.  The RA & RD had to reassemble the lock, so they were here for another 30 minutes or so.

I'm not mad at any one person.  I'm mad at the situation in general.  I'm mad that someone deadbolted the door.  I'm mad that when I BANGED on the door at 10:20pm, no one answered it.  I know people need to get their sleep, but the earliest I've seen anyone in my dorm go to sleep is 11pm.  I'm mad that SOMEONE was awake when I first knocked and didn't even go to the door to see who it was (her light was on the first time I knocked and off when I came back to try and re-open it).  I'm mad that this same roommate never answers the door when someone is knocking.  I'm mad that even when the RA & RD knocked, no one could answer it.  I'm mad that it took banging on a window with a broom for someone to consider opening the door.  I'm mad that I got "locked out" for TWO HOURS when it could have all been prevented.  I'm mad that I'm taking this out on people when it's not one person's fault.  I'm just mad.  And I know I have the right to be, but I don't want to be.  Just being angry won't do any of us any good.

We're going to have a roommate meeting and I'm going to say exactly how I feel.  Quiet little Christina is going to speak her mind, and I know my roommates probably won't like what I have to say.  But I've gone 7 months without complaining ONCE....about anything.  People have not bought stuff that we all use.  They've taken my kitchen stuff and used it without my permission (and then didn't put it back).  They've been loud right in front of my bedroom door at 3am when I was trying to sleep.  They've done a lot of things that have bothered me, just as I've probably done to them.  But I've never said anything...because they were never that big of a deal.  But this IS a big deal.  At least, to me it is.  And I just want my roommates to recognize that and respect that.

I'm not as angry as I was when I started writing this.  Granted I'm still a bit pissed off, but at least I can go to sleep now without feeling the need to punch something.   I'm not sure what our roommate meeting will bring, but I know that things can only go up from here.

There's a story behind the bruise

These past five days have been extremely tough.  It's hard to put into words how I'm feeling right now.  Usually, I have no problems expressing myself through my writing.  But right now, it's almost impossible to express the misery I am feeling.  Everything hurts.  Nothing matters.  Getting out of bed absolutely sucks.

The memory of Thursday night is constantly playing in my head.  And if for some reason I'm able to not think about it, I see the bruise on my arm and I'm reminded again.  I always feel like I'm just going to break down and cry.  I don't want to be around anyone.  And nothing anyone says or does makes it better.  The pain is just too much to handle...especially with everything going on in my life.

I still don't know what I'm going to do the next time I see him.  And of course there WILL be a next time.  My heart is telling me to just ignore him.  But with him, it's not so simple.  He'll see me and act like nothing is wrong, like he didn't just tear my world apart.  He'll try to have a conversation, and then get angry when I don't respond.  So it's like, "what can I really do?"  If I ignore him, he'll ask why and it will just start another argument.  If I try to be casual, I'm only hurting myself even more.  It's a lose-lose situation.

I'm forced to question everything that I'm involved in, especially Student Government.  I should never have been put in this situation.  I shouldn't have to consider giving up something I've worked so hard for just because someone hurt me.  But that's the reality of the situation.  I may have to give up the one thing that I love the most.  I spent 8 months trying to get into Senate, and I'm finally here.  I've never worked so hard for something in my life.  I turned what everyone called an "impossible goal" into a beautiful reality.  I don't want to leave Senate; I love it.  But I need to do what's best for me.  I'm hurting right now, and I can't handle much more pain.

I never thought I'd be in a situation like this.  And to be quite honest, I didn't think things could get much worse after what happened between him and I in September.  Clearly, I was wrong.

About an hour ago, I stumbled upon a quote.  It kind of describes what I hope to make all of this.  I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to forgive him, but I can only hope that one day Thursday night's memory won't haunt me anymore.  I can only hope that it will change from a haunting memory to a hope for a better future.

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past.  A healed memory is not a deleted memory.  Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember.  We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."

The Night is Always Darkest Before the Dawn

I've always known the title of this blog to be true. I never used to believe that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I believed that the tunnel was simply dark, and it was our jobs as humans to find our ways through it. I thought that we were meant to find a way to make the darkness work. But I don't believe that anymore. Whenever I'm feeling down and things just aren't going my way, I just remind myself that the night is always darkest before the dawn. That things will get better. That (for me) time, friends, and writing will heal all.

Back in December, finals week nearly killed me. But my birthday healed it all. The next week my grandmother was admitted to the hospital after her kidneys started failing and her cancer spread. She stayed there for 3 weeks. But the thought of going back to FGCU and seeing my friends and sisters healed all. And last night, when everything started falling apart, time, writing, and a few friends healed all.

I am thankful that no matter how dark my life gets, there is always a dawn. And even if it takes forever to come, I know it will happen...because I hope. I know that there are better days ahead. I know that no matter where I am in life, it is not the end of my journey. I'm constantly reminded that my life matters, and my story matters too.

I Want

I want to take it all back

Every sip of alcohol and every bad decision last night

I want to remember my fun

and forget my mistakes

I want my space back

and I want to rid your scent from my bed

I want you to stop sprawling your sweaty body

all over the place where I'm trying to sleep

so I can be fully rested for Blink-182

I want my clothes back on my body

instead of lying on my floor

I want my money back in my wallet

instead of in the cash register at WalMart

I want "no" to mean "no"

and not "as long as you don't remember it"

I want to know what you did to me

and I think I have every right to know

It doesn't matter what my mental state was at the time

You knew what I wanted and what I was totally against

I want to take back those text messages

so I don't have to explain what happened

(because I don't even know)

But most of all,

I want what I could never truly get back

because you stole it from me last night

And the reason I care so much

is because I know you don't care

Not even a little bit

Not at all

Raw Emotion

It's been nearly a year since I "stopped writing" after a little incident back in Composition 1. This is the one and only poem I've written this year...and it's from December 6, 2008. I don't know what compelled me to post it, but I'm taking Creative Writing this semester, and I need to learn to open up again with my writing. So maybe this is my first step...I don't know.

Raw Emotion

Enclosed by my barriers no more

Bricks surrounding my face

Have turned to dust lying at my feet

Letting the world see into my soul

Wearing my heart on my sleeve

For the world to use as they please

Beaten down and tormented

By my demons and by yours

Smothering me, leaving me there to die

Dashing out the door and out of your grip

My heart was broken and then was fixed

I thought I was free...but then this

What a whirlwind you've created

Stirred up emotions inside of me

No barriers to protect me

Just raw emotion out in the open

Can't seem to catch what you throw at me

No matter how predictable it should be

Dazed and confused to the damage I have done

Don't understand where this is coming from

One day you love me, the next you delete me

Leaving me to wonder why

Why did I come back to you?

Why did I stay after all you've put me through?

First it was sorrow, but has now become anger

It's a flashback to seven months ago

Only this time I learned before it was too late

Told myself "only one more time"

You had your last chance

Now I'll be having the last dance

Take your time, make up your mind

You don't realize what you're leaving behind

When you're ready to come back

I'll already be long gone

Moving on, once and for all

No more backing down, I'm standing tall

Strength has filled my muscles and bones

It's strange since fear is all I've ever known

Don't deserve the games you're putting me through

Since no matter what, I've been there for you

Regardless of what you want I've made up my mind

I'm strong enough now to look forward and never behind