See you later, 23!

On Monday (December 16th), I turned 24.  That's right...24.

I can't believe it's been a year since I celebrated my 23rd birthday.  So much has happened this year that I don't think I'd be able to capture it all in a single blog post (good thing for all those other posts).  But, I'm going to try and list out some of my favorites:

1. Watching my sister get married and being her maid of honor.

2. Watching Alabama win the BCS National Championship.  

3. Snow day in Tuscaloosa!

4. Celebrating my one year anniversary with Alex by going on a cruise to the Bahamas.

5. Watching Dunk City come to life during the NCAA men's basketball tournament.

6. Being in the ultrasound room when my sister found out she was having a girl.

7. Going to my first craft brewery.  I've been a craft beer lover ever since!

8. Seeing Lee Brice, Chris Young and Brad Paisley in Tuscaloosa.

9. Graduating with my master's degree and being back with my boyfriend.

10. Marley Shai Johnson.  In September, my sister gave birth to her first child, Marley Shai (she also happens to be my first niece).  She has brought so much joy to my life in such a short period of time, and I miss being able to see her all the time.

11. Landing my first job.  It's been nearly a month since I started working with ITVantage, and I'm so thankful for the opportunity I was given.

12. Painting and re-organizing the condo and making it "ours."  It feels nice to come home from work every day and feel at home.

13. Experiencing seasons while living in Tuscaloosa.  You don't get that in Southwest Florida.


Twenty-three was a great year, but I can't wait to see what the next year of my life will hold.  If it's anything like the past, it will be filled with ups and downs...but I wouldn't want things any other way.

Can money buy a good time?

Most people know this but for those that don't, my family is in a real financial situation right now.  My dad lost his job back in January, and we have just enough money for necessities.  My parents never spoiled me with money, but they were able to help me out when I needed it.  For awhile, my parents didn't want me to have a job so I could focus on school.  They don't really feel that way now, but I've been so stressed out with school and my sorority that I didn't think I'd have enough time for a job.  Now that my dad is out of a job and I can't get financial support from my parents, I'm forced to look for a job.

My bank account is about to be wiped clean thanks to the mandatory checks I had to write for sorority recruitment.  When I tell friends and sisters that I don't have any money in my account, they just assume that I don't want to spend my money.  But what they don't realize is that I really don't have any money there.

Today my Big asked me to go to dinner.  Then it was ice skating and McDonald's.  When I let her know that I didn't have any money so I wouldn't be able to go, she said to come to her place at 7pm and bring $4 for pizza.  What about "I don't have any money" didn't make sense?!

This is only a recent example.  I can't leave out all of the times my friends want me to go to Ale House or Applebee's with them after Senate.  I used to go and just get water, but then I constantly got questioned and bugged about it.  At first I'd lie and say I wasn't hungry, but when my stomach began to growl the truth came out.  I told my friends I didn't have any money and even though they offered to pay, I had to decline.  I know they offered, but I always felt bad.  So then I just stopped going with them.  I feel like I'm missing out on a lot, and it really sucks.  But what can I do?

Everyone I know always wants to hang out and go somewhere that requires me to spend money.  I just want to hang out and do something that doesn't require money - watching a movie at home, going to the park, going to the FGCU gym or waterfront.  I know these things sound so simple, but for me it's the little, simple things in life that matter the most.  I don't think you need to have money to have a good time.  All you need is good company.

The Night is Always Darkest Before the Dawn

I've always known the title of this blog to be true. I never used to believe that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I believed that the tunnel was simply dark, and it was our jobs as humans to find our ways through it. I thought that we were meant to find a way to make the darkness work. But I don't believe that anymore. Whenever I'm feeling down and things just aren't going my way, I just remind myself that the night is always darkest before the dawn. That things will get better. That (for me) time, friends, and writing will heal all.

Back in December, finals week nearly killed me. But my birthday healed it all. The next week my grandmother was admitted to the hospital after her kidneys started failing and her cancer spread. She stayed there for 3 weeks. But the thought of going back to FGCU and seeing my friends and sisters healed all. And last night, when everything started falling apart, time, writing, and a few friends healed all.

I am thankful that no matter how dark my life gets, there is always a dawn. And even if it takes forever to come, I know it will happen...because I hope. I know that there are better days ahead. I know that no matter where I am in life, it is not the end of my journey. I'm constantly reminded that my life matters, and my story matters too.

Thanksgiving 2009

Usually I dread Thanksgiving. It's just one of those days where I'm forced to spend time with family and eat way too much. For some reason, this year was different. This year, I was excited to spend time with my family, and I realized that I have so much to be thankful for.

About a month ago, my aunt died of brain cancer. It was the first time I cried when a family member died, and it really hit me hard - partially because I volunteer with the American Cancer Society and partially because I have a deeper appreciation for my family. My family seems to be "getting smaller." It's not that more people are dying, it's that more people are fighting and not talking to each other. It's always bothered me, but it bothered me even more after the death of my aunt. My aunt was healthy and lived an active lifestyle before she was diagnosed with brain cancer. But when she was diagnosed, her health quickly deteriorated. Life was taken away from her so quickly, and it could happen to anyone. You'd think that this would bring my family back together, but it didn't. And that's what bothers me. Life is too short to not talk because of the DUMBEST things. I'm sorry, but their arguments are ridiculous. I've learned that life is too short to hold grudges, and I've learned that the people you love can be taken away from you without notice. You might as well enjoy and appreciate the time you have left with them. It's unfortunate that it took my aunt's death for me to realize this, but I'm thankful to have finally learned this valuable lesson. And I'm thankful to have been able to spend my Thanksgiving with part of my family.

And I can't forget about my friends. I am so thankful for each and every one of my friends. I cannot even begin to describe how much my friends mean to me. Never in my life have I felt such a strong connection to my friends. I love each and every one of them, and sometimes I don't think I tell them that enough. My friends have been there for me through some of the hardest times, but more importantly, they've been there for me through the great times too. In the past, my friends have been there for me during the tough times but abandoned me when I just wanted to have fun and laugh. But these people are different. Sure, we've had some incredible heart-to-hearts, but we've also had some amazing and fun times together. They are hands down the most amazing people I have ever met, and each one of them has a very special place in my heart. I don't think they will ever know how much I love them and how much they mean to me.

I feel like the luckiest person in the world right now. I have an amazing family, incredible friends, and beautiful Chi Omega sisters. All of the material things don't matter when you have such awesome people in your life. This Thanksgiving, I have absolutely everything to be thankful for.

"Well, you've made a lot of mistakes..."

Bad decisions. I’ve made a lot of them over my lifetime, but they’ve become more frequent since entering college. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m on my own now, or maybe it’s because I’m getting older. I can’t really be sure of the exact reason. I used to be so ashamed of my mistakes, but I’ve come to realize that it’s our mistakes and how we recover from them that shape who we are. But what’s always hard is being constantly reminded of the mistakes I’ve made. Often times I don’t hear it from friends or family, but rather from myself. I beat myself up over my mistakes in fear that others will do it as well. And while I know that my mistakes make me stronger, I can't help but feel guilty and ashamed every once in awhile. The first few days after one of my many bad decisions is always the hardest because it’s always like “well, where do I go from here?” I’m starting to learn how to quickly put it behind me and move on. I know who I am, and I’m starting not to care what judgments people make about me. One bad night does not define me as a person, nor does one bad day define my outlook on things. It’s about moving on and letting go, and not caring so much about what others have to think. I know that I am strong because of the pain I have suffered, and I’m happy because I’ve known extreme sadness. I am who I am not because of one day, but because of nearly 20 years of experiences.