TWLOHA Matters. My Story Matters. I Matter.

Today, To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) turns eight.

I first learned about TWLOHA on Myspace.  I think the year was 2007.  I learned about TWLOHA at a time when I felt alone, lost, discouraged and hopeless.  My life was spiraling downward, and I didn’t see a way out. 

Enter TWLOHA.

From the moment I read the story that inspired the movement, I myself was moved.  TWLOHA gave me hope and inspired me to take my recovery seriously.  It wasn’t always easy, and there were times when I was moving backwards.  But I never gave up because I knew that recovery was possible.  I learned that people need people, and we need to share our stories.  The stories of hope and recovery were what got my through it all.  I don’t think I’d be here today without those stories.

Eight years after TWLOHA was founded, I still struggle.  I’m not 100% better, and I don’t think I’ll ever be.  But I’ve always known that.  I always knew that even when I was better, I would still struggle.  And that’s okay.  But now I know when to ask for help and when to lean on others.  I know now that I don’t have to go through it alone.

I’m so thankful for everything TWLOHA has done over the past eight years.  From concerts to blog posts to speaking engagements.  All of it has mattered.  Their story matters.  Their mission and vision matter.  And because all of that, I know I matter too.

I’ll leave you with an excerpt from TWLOHA’s vision statement:

“The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.  The vision is the possibility that we’re more loved than we’ll ever know.  The vision is hope, and hope is real.  You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.”

To learn more about TWLOHA or how to get help, visit www.twloha.com

Alyssa, I Couldn't Love You More

(NOTE: This blog post was written on September 4, 2013 right after Marley was born.  Only a few changes, mostly punctuation and rephrasing, have been made.  Other than that, it's all the same.)

Sometimes I hated being the big sister.  I hated feeling like I had all of this responsibility to protect my sister from things I couldn't really protect her from.  I hated trying to be the perfect role model, but mostly, I hated failing at being a good role model.  During high school, I headed down a negative and destructive path, and when my sister did the same, I blamed myself.  I still do.  But despite all of this, I loved being her big sister, and I think (despite everything) I was a pretty good role model for her.

But what I've loved the most is having her as my best friend and being able to watch her grown into a beautiful and loving person, wife and now a mother.  It's been one of the most rewarding and amazing experiences watching her grow into the person she is today.  When I watched her get married, I cried.  And today when I watched her during labor, I almost cried (I held it in for you, baby sis!).  I couldn't have been more proud.  Sure she cried (most women would), but she rarely complained.  She never yelled at anyone.  And despite the tremendous amount of pain she was in, she was calm.  Most importantly, she was strong.

And when I watched her hold her beautiful baby girl, I just knew she was going to be an incredible mother.  The things she has already done for her daughter shows just how selfless she is.  For the past nine months she's put her baby first...and labor was no different.  All she ever wanted was to have a healthy baby, and after 15 hours of labor that ended in a c-section, she got just that - a beautiful, healthy baby girl.  Alyssa, I'm so proud to call you my sister.  You are truly one of the strongest people I've ever known.  You've been to hell and back, but you've come out on top.  In January I watched you marry the man of your dreams, and now I'm watching you hold your newest love- your daughter.

Congratulations, Alyssa on your baby girl.  I have no doubt you're going to be an amazing mother.  And I'm so excited to have a niece to spoil.

Thanks for Always Calling Me Beautiful

You know that you’re not my first boyfriend…but you also know that all of my other relationships were so long ago (like “6 years before we started dating” long ago).  I don’t remember the dynamic of those relationships or much about them at all.  What I do know is that you’re different than all of the other guys I’ve dated.  Not just because you’re the only man I’ve ever loved…but because you always call me beautiful.

Most guys don’t notice when their girlfriend gets a hair cut or when they wear a new shade of lipstick.  Most guys don’t notice when their girlfriend buys a new outfit or when she starts a new workout routine.  Most guys don’t notice when their girlfriend loses a pound.  But you do.  After a month (or more) of being apart, you notice when I’ve lost weight (even just a pound).  You notice when my clothes fit differently.  You notice things that most guys wouldn’t, and it truly means the world to me.

When I tell you that I’m on a new medication, the first thing you do is look it up online.  If I’m interested in starting a new diet plan or workout routine, you look up that stuff too.  You want the best for me, and you genuinely care about making sure I’m healthy. 

You’ve never once called me ugly.  I could send you a picture of my hair up in a towel or with a piece of candy sticking out of my mouth…moments when I look truly hideous.  And what you do say?  You’ll say, “oh wow” or “you’re so weird.”  But you always end it by telling me I’m cute.

When I greet you at the airport (or when you greet me), the first thing you do is tell me how good I look.  You tell me that I’ve lost weight and that I look beautiful.  It doesn’t matter if I’ve been awake since 4am or if I’ve spent 3.5 hours in a car, 3 hours in an airport, and 2 hours on a plane.  You always tell me I’m beautiful.

I’ve never had someone make me feel as good as you have.  In our 15 months of dating, you’ve never called me ugly.  You’ve never called me fat.  You’ve always been supportive of me wanting to lose weight.  You’ve been supportive in my journey to be healthier and in my journey to try and run a 5k.  You support all of my goals and dreams…no matter how crazy they may be.  And you always build up my confidence.

Thank you for being the man of my dreams, the love of my life, and for always telling me that I’m beautiful.  I love you, Alex.  I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have you by my side.

Finding the Silver Linings

It's been awhile since I've posted.  It's not that I haven't been inspired (because I have been), but nothing has really been "post worthy."  I'm not even sure if this one is.

So much has happened since the last time I posted.  Winter break, my birthday, my car broke down in Alabama, I got it fixed, I started my second semester of grad school, but most importantly, Alex and I celebrated our one-year anniversary.

I think a lot about how we got to this point because if you asked me a year ago if I thought we'd be in the place we are today, I would've told you "no."  Not because I didn't believe in our relationship (I did), but because I thought I would've screwed it all up by now.  That's just what I'm good at - ruining all of the good things in my life.

I think about what got me to go on that first date.  Two days prior I wanted nothing to do with him, but when I spent time with him, I felt comfortable, relaxed, and in good company.  Maybe that day was the turning point.  Because from that day forward, I couldn't get him off of my mind...no matter how hard I tried.  And when we went on our first date, I had the most intense butterflies.  I didn't even know what to say.  I was unusually shy, I didn't want to drink (which was not like me at the time), and I was on my phone way more than I usually would be.  I was nervous, excited, cautious...all because I was with a man who made me this way.  I liked how I felt when I looked in his eyes, laughed with him, and held his hand.  I would get over the quirkiness, but I thought "if everything else stays, this could be a good thing."  I didn't kiss him on our first date because I wanted to make sure he was genuine.  And sure enough he was.  Two long days later he got that kiss, and he still gets them every time we're together.

I saw a movie the other day, Silver Linings Playbook, and as dysfunctional as Pat and Tiffany were, they were perfect for each other.  They made each other better and lifted each other's spirits.  They were broken and quirky, but they were in it together.  And it made me realize that when you find someone who is good for you, they can change everything.

Alex has helped me find the silver linings in life.  He's helped me see the light when all I can see is darkness, and he's helped me to remain hopeful.  He's been understanding and comforting and thoughtful.  He's been an incredible support system.  We remind each other every day of the things we love about the other person and how in love we truly are.  We remind each other that even though this isn't the ideal situation, it won't always be this way.

I never could have known these things on our first date, but I'm glad I know them now.  I'm glad I got over whatever was holding me back, and I'm glad I gave him a chance.  He's my one and only, the love of my life, and my best friend.

I'm so lucky to call him mine.

Long Distance Relationships: The Hardest Part

The question I get asked most is, "what's the hardest part about being in a long distance relationship?" The simplest answer I have is "everything," but I know that's not helpful or specific.  A few days ago, I got to see my boyfriend, Alex, for the first time in almost a month.  It was amazing, but then I had to come back to Alabama.  I know some people have it worse than me, but only getting to see Alex once a month has been hard on me.  Last week I was working on a present for him when I began thinking about the hardest parts about being in a long distance relationship.  And here's what I came up with.

1. Not being able to touch, hug, kiss, see, hold, talk to, or just be there with them.
2. The way people judge your relationship and how you choose to handle it. Every relationship, long distance or not, is different.  But somehow, when you're doing the long distance thing, people find more ways to judge.
3. Getting into fights over stupid little things like your significant other going out instead of calling you or when they don't respond to your texts.
4. The slight fear that one day your significant other might just stop loving you...all because you're not there.
5. The price of things: the cost of a plane ticket, the cost of gas, how much it costs to ship presents.  There's also the fear that you might send them something and it gets lost in the mail.
6. The loneliness you feel.  You could be sitting in your apartment watching TV or sitting in class listening to a lecture when it hits you.  You can't control it, but immediately you feel a sense of loneliness.  It's crippling at times but you can't even go to them for a hug to make it better because they're so far away.  The littlest things can set it off.  Like seeing a friend in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend or when "your song" comes on the radio.  Or looking at pictures from the last time you saw each other.
7. Knowing the only dates you get for most of the month are Skype dates. Skype is a wonderful invention, and I absolutely love it.  But nothing in the world will ever compare to a face-to-face date.
8. The jealousy that you know is absolutely ridiculous but you just can't help.  It hits you when you think about the fact that there are people who get to see your significant other every day and take their presence for granted.
9. The sexual frustration.  Maybe this is a bit TMI, but it's true.  There are times you just want to lay in bed and cuddle and make out and have a sexy romantic evening together.  But you can't.
10. The pain you feel when you feel like your significant other is having an easier time with the long distance relationship than you are.  Then the pain you feel when they are down in the dumps and you're okay.  It's a never-ending cycle.

Obviously there are more than 10 things that make long distance relationships hard, but these are the 10 that I think about most often.  And I think they're true for many other long distance couples as well.

If you think of something else that's hard about your long distance relationship, comment and let me know!

A Very Public Love Letter

Alex,

Six months ago tomorrow we went on our first date (well, our first date that I actually knew was a date).  So many incredible things have happened since then, and I’m grateful for every second that I’ve been able to spend with you.

We’ve had our ups and we’ve certainly had our downs, but no amount of bad times could change how I feel about you.  We’ve both said some things we regret, but at the end of the day, it’s all about forgiving each other and moving forward.  It’s easy to forgive someone when you’re in love.

From day one you’ve made me feel special, wanted, and loved.  No one has ever made me feel the way you make me feel.  You remind me, in your own ways, that I’m important to you.  That I matter to you.  That I’m the only girl you want to be with.  Today, tomorrow, and forever.

I could look my worst and you tell me that I’m beautiful.  I could be having the worst possible day and you still find a way to make me smile and laugh.  I could be crying my eyes out in the bathroom and you push open the door and hug me until I stop.  It’s the little things that mean the most, Alex.  You make my day brighter every single day.

I’m not an expert on relationships, and I can’t say I’ve been in love many times before.  But with you I just know.  I know that I’m in love with you.  I know it because your flaws and your weaknesses are beautiful to me.  I know it because of how you make me feel.  And I know it because I can’t always describe how I’m feeling.  I just know that I’m better because of you.  I know that I want to wake up every morning and make you proud.  I know that I want to be a better person.  I know all of this because of you.

You’ve stuck by me when no one else has, and you try to understand me even when I’m impossible to understand.  I don’t know why you’ve stuck around sometimes, but it means the world to me that you have.

You make me so proud every single day.  The passion and drive you have for work is amazing to me.  Even though it keeps us apart sometimes, I couldn’t be more proud of you.  You have the biggest heart and you love your family and friends with everything you have.  I’m a lucky girl to have part of your heart.

Moving to Alabama is bittersweet.  I’m excited for this change, but I’m sad because I have to leave you.  I wish you could come with me, but that’s just not possible.  But one thing is certain – if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.

My promise to you is simple: when I’m done with my master’s degree, I will come back to Southwest Florida to be with you.  Then I’ll take you home, love you forever, and never leave.

I’m not sure about many things in my life, but for six months I’ve been certain about one thing: you.

I love you with all of my heart, and I’m excited to see what crazy adventures we take together over the next six months.

You’re not just my boyfriend, you’re my best friend.  I love you, Alex.  Forever and always.

xoxo Christina

It Isn't Easy

It's so easy to walk away when you're mad.  It's easy to say, "I'm done" instead of facing your problems.  It's easy to lie.  It's easy to keep all of your emotions bottled up inside.  But what's hard is facing your issues and dealing with them.  It's hard to look at someone in the eyes and say, "I'm mad at you."  It's hard to tell someone that you don't love them the way they love you.  It's hard to tell someone the truth when you know it's going to hurt them.

Love isn't easy and sometimes it isn't fun.  Sometimes it hurts like hell, and sometimes you're going to feel like you just won't make it.  But it will get better.  Just remember that the couples that are "meant to be" went through a whole lot of things that were meant to tear them apart...but they made it through and came out stronger than before.  Love isn't easy, but it's certainly worth fighting for.

It's What I Love About You

I love the way you've always been persistent because for the first time in my life, I feel like someone is fighting for me.

I love the way you text me in the morning because it makes me feel like I'm the first person you think about when you wake up (even if I'm not).

I love the way you pull my hair back and kiss my neck because it makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

I love the way you look into my eyes and tell me that you love me because in that moment there's no denying that the words you speak are true.

I love the way you tell me that you love me after an argument because it makes me realize that even though you're mad, I'm still important to you.

I love the way you wrap your arms around me when I'm crying because it makes me feel like I'm not alone in the things I'm going through.

I love the way you call me in the middle of the day because it reminds me that you're thinking about me just like I'm thinking about you.

I love the way you're honest with me even when I don't want to hear it because at the end of the day, the truth is better than any lie.

I love the way you tell me I'm beautiful because even though I know it, it's nice to hear it sometimes.

I love the way you hold my hand in the morning because it makes me feel like you love me even in your dreams.

I love the way you pull me close to cuddle because it makes me feel like it's only me and you in this crazy world.  And in that moment, I feel like no one can hurt us or bring us down.

I love the way you tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me because for the first time in my life, I actually believe that someone loves me.

Falling in Love

I've never been the type of person who does well in relationships.  I'm independent.  I always say and do the wrong things.  I'm goal-oriented.  I love being alone.  And to be honest, I get completely insecure around guys.

But I believe that when you're with someone that you need to give them everything you have.  It's okay to be scared, but at some point you need to let your guard down and trust them.  I believe that you have to love them with your whole heart.  I believe that you need to make the time for them, regardless of how busy you are.  I believe that if you find the right person, you need to be willing to open your heart and fall in love.

It's easy to judge people who are in relationships.  It's easy to say, "you're moving too fast" or "you're going to get hurt."  But at some point you have to let go of your own biases and be supportive.  Stop judging people for the way they choose to handle their relationship.  You might be surprised by the love they have for each other.

I don't know much about what's "normal" in a relationship, but I do know how I feel.  I know that I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, and I go to bed feeling the same way.  I know that when I'm with him, my insecurities melt away and I can laugh at myself.  I know that he can make me smile and laugh the way no one else can.  I know that I'm a better person because of him, and I'm a better person when I'm with him.

I know that I'm in love with him.  And I know that I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life.


If for whatever reason this doesn't work out, at least I can look back and say I loved him with everything I had.  That's what matters to me.