May 7, 2007

I don't think I ever consciously made the decision to stop cutting.  I think it just happened.

One day I cut myself.  The next day I didn't.  And the day after that I didn't.  After a month of not cutting, I decided that day was it.  There wouldn't just be "one more time."  The last time I cut would just be my last. And from that day forward I did everything in my power to not cut.  Four years later, I'm still cut-free.

I don't know why it worked that time and not the others.  All the other times I had a plan.  But maybe I didn't need a plan.  Maybe I just needed the drive.

I guess I just got tired of being miserable despite how terrified I was of being happy and enjoying my life.  For three years, I was okay with being miserable.  I was content in that lifestyle.  But eventually that feeling changed.  I wasn't just sick of hurting everyone around me.  Finally, I was sick of hurting myself.

I look back at my journal from four years ago and can't believe how depressed I really was.  The cutting, depression, anxiety, and eating disorder were ruining my life.  And it showed in everything I did.  I look back at that journal sometimes to remind myself of where I've been.  To remind myself that I never want to go back.  To remind myself that there are brighter days ahead.

May 7, 2007.  The day that changed my life forever.  Here's to four years of not cutting and being happier than ever.

Every journey starts with a step...or in my case, a leap.  I'm glad I made that leap and picked myself up along the way.

It wasn't easy.  But it was damn worth it.