New Year's Resolutions

I've made New Year's Resolutions ever since I was a freshman in high school. And I've kept every single New Year's Resolution that I've ever made. For 2010, I've made my biggest resolution yet: to lose 20-25 pounds through a lifestyle change.

It's time to lose the diets. Why? Because diets don't work. Trust me, I've tried them all. Everything from Weight Watchers to Atkins to the Fruit/Vegetable diet. What happens is I'll lose the weight, and then I stray away from the diet and gain all the weight back. I'm starting to realize that the only true way to lose weight is through a lifestyle change of healthier eating and exercise. Diets end; lifestyles don't.

Over winter break, I made a promise to myself that I would make MY HEALTH my number 1 priority from now on. In the past, it's always been about everyone else. I put my friends, my social life, and my campus involvement all before my health. I now know that's the reason why I've gained 20 pounds since coming to college. I have to put exercising and eating right before everything else. And I know some things are going to suffer, but I'm tired of being passive about my weight loss. I'm ready to take action and achieve this goal.

I hate running. I hate the gym. I hate salad. I hate fish and red meat. I HATE SWEATING. I hate getting up earlier than I have to (even though I AM a morning person). I hate feeling like things will never get done. I hate worrying about the future. But most of all, I hate knowing that I could be losing weight but I'm not simply because I'm lazy.

You're probably thinking, "if you hate all of these things, how are you going to lose the weight?" Well, I hate running but I love to go on long walks. I hate the gym, so I bought weights and a balance ball so I can do exercise videos off the internet in the comfort of my own dorm. I hate salad, fish, and red meat, but I love chicken. I'll find healthy alternatives using what I love to eat instead of eating things I don't like. I hate sweating more than anything, but I really want to lose this weight and in order to do it, I'll just have to get over it. I hate getting up early, but I'm just going to force myself to do it. Plus, walking gives me so much energy and releases a lot of my stress. I hate feeling like things will never get done, but if I work out early, then I can come back, take a shower, and get started on my online classes. And for those days I am doing strength training, I can do it after my classes and meetings. I hate worrying about the future, which is why I'm going to focus on the present. And since I know I could be losing the weight but I'm not because I'm lazy...well, I'm just going to stop being lazy!!

I've already made so many changes to my lifestyle already. For one, I always have water with me, and it's the only thing that I drink. I log onto SparkPeople.com every single day (at least 3 times a day) to track what I'm eating and how much I'm exercising. I read something motivational from that website every day, and I've started writing a "weekly inspiration" on my mirror. I've been making the time to work out, and when I work out, I don't think about anything else except for how relaxing it is. I don't crave fast food as much anymore, and honestly, just smelling it makes me sick. I know eating out can be inevitable, but as long as I find healthy alternatives I'll be fine.

I want to make these lifestyles now so that it doesn't become an obsession in the future. I've seen how obsessing over your weight can make you, and I never want to be like that. I'm 20 years young, and now is the perfect time to eat right and get into shape.

One last thing, I am absolutely IN LOVE with SparkPeople.com. You can log your foods and at the end of the day, it will give you a little "progress report" and let you know if you're eating the right amount of calories, carbs, fat, and protein. I never realized that I don't get enough protein in my diet until I started doing this!! I went online and bought protein shake mix so that I can get more protein into my diet. I bought Nature's Plus Spiru-tein Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl. I bought this stuff a few years ago and loved it! It gave me tons of protein and really filled me up. I also went and bought the SparkPeople book, "The Spark." It should be arriving on Monday and I can't wait to start reading it. I've heard some amazing reviews, and I'm so excited to get my hands on it. Also, the website is full of exercise videos and it also develops a strength training workout plan for you. What happens if you can't do one of the exercises? Just click on it and swap it out (I had to do this yesterday with the one-hand side pushups. They were impossible for me!). I am so glad that I found this website. It's truly amazing and has changed how I look at my life.

Weekly Inspiration:

"Take care of the rocks in your life - things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just pebbles and sand."

The 5am Discovery

Christinapalooza at Disney was great, and I could write a whole blog about it. And I will. But not right now. Now is not the time. If there's anything I've learned in my 20 years of life, it's that life is unexpected. No matter how much you think you know what's going to happen next, the truth is, you can never be certain. And my "two week happiness theory" never fails. (My "two week happiness theory" states that I can never be happy for more than 2 weeks before something goes wrong and takes that away from me). In times of struggle and sadness, I reflect and write. It's what I know best.

Wednesday night (12.22) was supposed to be incredible. And for the most part, it was. I went to Alico Arena with some of my Chi Omega sisters to watch the wish of Patrick "P.J." Chester, Jr. come true. He was hit by a drunk driver in 2007 and now suffers from seizures. He had to relearn almost everything. He was granted a wish by the Make-A-Wish Foundation (which happens to be Chi Omega's philanthropy), and his wish was to become a basketball star. And Wednesday night was the night that his wish would come true. To see P.J.'s face when he arrived to screaming fans at Alico Arena was the greatest feeling in the world. He is truly amazing, and it's a night that I know he'll remember for the rest of his life.

As I was sitting in Alico Arena during the game when I got an unexpected text: "Mom and I are taking grandma to the hospital so we won't be home for a while." The words hit me hard and fast, and I wasn't sure how to react. And I know for a fact that if I hadn't been sitting in a crowded arena surrounded by my sisters that I would have broken down. Earlier that day she had fallen down and wasn't able to get up for 2 hours. Now she was weak and dehydrated...but that was only a prelude to the underlying condition.

I'll be spending most of my Christmas in the hospital. Despite what my grandparents want to believe, the rest of us know the truth. My grandmother is dying. The doctors said she should have been dead a long time ago, and that all they can really do now is to keep trying as long as she wants them to. My grandmother doesn't want to die. She's afraid of the unknown. And my grandfather seems to be in denial. If he was given the option to pull the plug, he wouldn't do it.

For me, the holiday seasons are always full of reminders...both of the good and bad. And while this year is no different, it kind of is. I haven't been reflecting on this year, but rather the past 20 I've spent with my grandmother. I've been reminded of the things we've done together, and the things we never got the chance to do. My mom says she doesn't see her making it through the year; I don't know if I see her making it through next month. It makes these moments so important because I never know when it's all going to be taken away from me.

I was just reading a blog posted by Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love on Her Arms, titled "For Empty Seats and Elephants in Rooms and Dreams that Feel Impossible." If you haven't read it, go to www.twloha.com and read it. His words hit home to me, and they're what I needed to hear on this not-so-merry Christmas Day.

John Mayer said it well in a tweet yesterday - "Sending a heartfelt Merry Christmas to those who feel loneliness this time of year. You're not alone. Hang in there."

Christinapalooza 2009

Today it hit me that the semester is really over. I'm not sure whether I'm happy or not. On one hand, I'm so happy that Intro to Law is finally over (I pulled off a "B"!!). On the other hand, I'm really sad that my other 4 classes are over. I loved my classes this semester, and I had amazing professors. I'm the saddest about Creative Writing. I was finally starting to open up with my writing, and I was finally able to see that I'm a much better writer than I give myself credit for. I won't take another writing class until fall 2010, and it saddens me. I love to write, and I'll continue doing it, but not having that "driving force" will be weird for me.

I'm just glad that it's winter break! By the end of my finals I was literally burnt out.

Today kicked off Christinapalooza 2009 (aka: my weeklong birthday festivities). This is the first time I've ever had a "birthday week." Originally, I intended to go up to Disney for the day and use my free ticket. When my dad found out, he got super excited and turned my 1-day "all by myself" disney trip into a 5-day Disney extravaganza with him and my sister. My mom has to work, and I'm pretty bummed out. But it will be a fun week, to say the least!

Here's the rundown of .C.H.R.I.S.T.I.N.A.P.A.L.O.O.Z.A. 2009:

Monday: Christinapalooza t-shirt making & birthday dinner part 1

Tuesday: Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party @ Magic Kingdom

Wednesday: MY 20th BIRTHDAY! Magic Kingdom

Thursday: Epcot

Friday: Hollywood Studios

Saturday: Animal Kingdom

Sunday: Birthday dinner part 2 & birthday cake!

I won't have internet access all week (except on my Blackberry), so I won't be able to respond to all of the birthday wishes I get on facebook. Rest assured, I'll respond to all of my amazing friends individually when I get back.

Hope everyone's been having a fun (and safe) winter break so far!!

<3

I've come to the realization...

I cannot begin to explain how much I've enjoyed the past 4 days of my Thanksgiving Break, and I am saddened that it's about to come to an end. I haven't had this much free time or been this relaxed since August. I'm sad that this break is about to end, but only a week-and-a-half until I have an entire month off for Winter Break :)

I've used my free time to spend time with family, shop & buy new clothes (I haven't done that in about a year!), write, but most importantly, remember what is most important to me. Here are some of the most important things I've come to realize over break:

I've come to the realization that I'm way too involved on campus. I love all of the organizations that I'm involved with, and I love being busy. BUT, I don't have time for the things that matter most. I don't have time to give myself an hour a day to do what I want to do. I don't have the time to totally take care of myself - like cook a fresh meal or go to the gym or waterfront. I don't have time to sit down and write out my emotions. I don't have the time to sleep at night (most college students don't). And to be honest, this over involvement isn't doing much for me. I'd rather be great at something than be good at everything. I've known that I needed to drop a few things for awhile, but I was so worried about disappointing people that I didn't want to do it. But I've come to the realization that it's not about them, it's about me. I shouldn't cry myself to sleep every night because I'm overwhelmed, overworked, and under appreciated. I need to involve myself with the things that overwork me, but appreciate me. I need to involve myself with things that give me something in return, and that "something" does not need to be tangible. I need to involve myself with things that make me happy. I guess I've come to the realization that my happiness does in fact matter.

I've come to the realization that my story does matter. My 20th birthday is quickly approaching, and I'm starting to realize that I've been through A LOT for someone my age. And at the same time, I've also overcome a lot. Some people are afraid to tell their stories because it makes everything real, and to an extent, I definitely feel that way. But I also feel like my story can help a lot of people - whether it be by giving them hope or just giving them information so they can write an essay. I'm open about my life and what I've been through, and I'm starting to feel like I need to share my story with more people. Writing is a good way to do that, but so is speaking about it. Most importantly, it's about speaking out.

I've come to the realization that I am OBSESSED with To Write Love on Her Arms. If you haven't heard of it, TWLOHA is a "non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide." I've struggled with all of these things so TWLOHA hits very close to home for me. I found this organization when I was at rock bottom back in early 2007, and I seriously don't know where I'd be without it. I utilized a lot of their resources, including the suicide hotline, and they literally saved my life. Their message is so inspiring, and it makes me want to do so much more. It makes me want to speak out and share my story. I know that sounds so lame, but people relate better to personal stories than anything else. When I was at rock bottom, I counted on TWLOHA as well as the stories of people I didn't know to give me hope. I spend at least an hour a day on this website, reading blogs and stories as well as creating my wish list of their merchandise. I seriously love this organization.

I've come to the realization that I am a terrible Little. My Big is amazing; I love her to death and she's such an incredible person. Coordinating the schedules of two busy people is tough, but I've come to the realization that maybe I don't try hard enough. More than anything, I want our Big/Little relationship to work. And it kills me that right now it's not. We never see each other, and if we do it's usually for 5 minutes. We never talk, and I don't feel close to her at all. And it's my own fault; I haven't opened up to her the way I've opened up to many of my other sisters. I've come to the realization that I'd give up everything to have a better relationship with my Big. I remember Big/Little clue week and revelation; I wanted her to be my Big so badly and when I saw her at the end of that tunnel, I was the happiest girl in the world. I want that feeling back again.

I've come to the realization that I have the most amazing friends in the entire world. They are my world. They are there for me when I feel like giving up. They are there congratulating me after I've accomplished something. They are there when I just want to hang out and laugh. If I'm ever alone and just want to be around someone, my friends are there. I don't deserve to have such incredible people in my life, but I'm so thankful to have them around. I love them all so much, and I seriously don't know what I would do without them.

I've come to the realization that I love Chi Omega and need to make more time for it.

I've come to the realization that all of the stress has taken a huge toll on me.

I've come to the realization that I need to be a better friend. They deserve better than what I give them.

I've come to the realization that I need to make time to take care of myself.

I've come to the realization that writing is the most relaxing thing for me, and I need to make time to do it every single day...

Thanksgiving 2009

Usually I dread Thanksgiving. It's just one of those days where I'm forced to spend time with family and eat way too much. For some reason, this year was different. This year, I was excited to spend time with my family, and I realized that I have so much to be thankful for.

About a month ago, my aunt died of brain cancer. It was the first time I cried when a family member died, and it really hit me hard - partially because I volunteer with the American Cancer Society and partially because I have a deeper appreciation for my family. My family seems to be "getting smaller." It's not that more people are dying, it's that more people are fighting and not talking to each other. It's always bothered me, but it bothered me even more after the death of my aunt. My aunt was healthy and lived an active lifestyle before she was diagnosed with brain cancer. But when she was diagnosed, her health quickly deteriorated. Life was taken away from her so quickly, and it could happen to anyone. You'd think that this would bring my family back together, but it didn't. And that's what bothers me. Life is too short to not talk because of the DUMBEST things. I'm sorry, but their arguments are ridiculous. I've learned that life is too short to hold grudges, and I've learned that the people you love can be taken away from you without notice. You might as well enjoy and appreciate the time you have left with them. It's unfortunate that it took my aunt's death for me to realize this, but I'm thankful to have finally learned this valuable lesson. And I'm thankful to have been able to spend my Thanksgiving with part of my family.

And I can't forget about my friends. I am so thankful for each and every one of my friends. I cannot even begin to describe how much my friends mean to me. Never in my life have I felt such a strong connection to my friends. I love each and every one of them, and sometimes I don't think I tell them that enough. My friends have been there for me through some of the hardest times, but more importantly, they've been there for me through the great times too. In the past, my friends have been there for me during the tough times but abandoned me when I just wanted to have fun and laugh. But these people are different. Sure, we've had some incredible heart-to-hearts, but we've also had some amazing and fun times together. They are hands down the most amazing people I have ever met, and each one of them has a very special place in my heart. I don't think they will ever know how much I love them and how much they mean to me.

I feel like the luckiest person in the world right now. I have an amazing family, incredible friends, and beautiful Chi Omega sisters. All of the material things don't matter when you have such awesome people in your life. This Thanksgiving, I have absolutely everything to be thankful for.

I Want

I want to take it all back

Every sip of alcohol and every bad decision last night

I want to remember my fun

and forget my mistakes

I want my space back

and I want to rid your scent from my bed

I want you to stop sprawling your sweaty body

all over the place where I'm trying to sleep

so I can be fully rested for Blink-182

I want my clothes back on my body

instead of lying on my floor

I want my money back in my wallet

instead of in the cash register at WalMart

I want "no" to mean "no"

and not "as long as you don't remember it"

I want to know what you did to me

and I think I have every right to know

It doesn't matter what my mental state was at the time

You knew what I wanted and what I was totally against

I want to take back those text messages

so I don't have to explain what happened

(because I don't even know)

But most of all,

I want what I could never truly get back

because you stole it from me last night

And the reason I care so much

is because I know you don't care

Not even a little bit

Not at all

"Well, you've made a lot of mistakes..."

Bad decisions. I’ve made a lot of them over my lifetime, but they’ve become more frequent since entering college. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m on my own now, or maybe it’s because I’m getting older. I can’t really be sure of the exact reason. I used to be so ashamed of my mistakes, but I’ve come to realize that it’s our mistakes and how we recover from them that shape who we are. But what’s always hard is being constantly reminded of the mistakes I’ve made. Often times I don’t hear it from friends or family, but rather from myself. I beat myself up over my mistakes in fear that others will do it as well. And while I know that my mistakes make me stronger, I can't help but feel guilty and ashamed every once in awhile. The first few days after one of my many bad decisions is always the hardest because it’s always like “well, where do I go from here?” I’m starting to learn how to quickly put it behind me and move on. I know who I am, and I’m starting not to care what judgments people make about me. One bad night does not define me as a person, nor does one bad day define my outlook on things. It’s about moving on and letting go, and not caring so much about what others have to think. I know that I am strong because of the pain I have suffered, and I’m happy because I’ve known extreme sadness. I am who I am not because of one day, but because of nearly 20 years of experiences.